Birthdays, feelings and SAD.

I turned 24 on the 6th of August. Yes, I am a Leo. 🦁
I don’t really do birthdays. I feel like I should celebrate my birthday, but I never know how. Since way back when people have asked what do you want to do for your birthday? and I’ve been nonplussed, like I don’t know what I want to do … ? It’s similar to when people ask where do you really want to go in the world? and that gets the same reaction. I don’t know … It’s not that I don’t have any imagination. I think it’s a result of the depression I have suffered for years. I couldn’t envision a future for myself. I thought I would be dead by the time I was 20 and yet here I still am. I think it’s also a result of my low self-esteem. Enough people have not taken what I have said, or said I felt, seriously that I just don’t believe in the opinions I have. My catchphrase as a teenager was I don’t know. I could not make decisions for myself and I still struggle with that. I struggle with saying what I really feel because I don’t want to upset people.
Which brings me to what do I feel? Since I started counselling and having to talk about feelings (urgh) I have started to think about what I feel. I don’t know how I feel. It unnerves me. I don’t know how I feel, is that normal? Have I been depressed for so long that I have squashed down all my feelings when I drank and self-harmed in the past that I now have … no feelings? The only feelings I can identify are empty, hungry, and knackered.
I also want to add (a little randomly) how expensive is living!? This month the rent was due, my security and Microsoft subscription needed renewing, COUNCIL TAX and of course, rooting around in the sales for warm weather clothes that will be put away until next year because jumper season will be upon us far too soon. I hate the winter months. I hate them because of SAD. Seasonal affective disorder. I wrote a poem about it which you can read on my Patreon. It’s scary. From the end of September a low mood will descend upon me and I will have no motivation whatsoever until March. As if I’ve been dropped into a vat of doom.
That means I spend a good chunk of my life miserable. I figure I should do something about it this year (well, duh Kate!) I know what’s going on now and I need to find a solution.


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