today i wasn’t thirsty. i didn’t have to clutch a cold carton of orange juice, alternating between pressing it to my forehead to sooth a beating headache and drinking from it because i was so damn thirsty.
i can never quench the thirst. it’s a thing of mine really – never enough / too much, habitually with alcohol and with my own self. i have long realised the alcohol is a form of self harm. The need to try to fill emptiness, loneliness, despair and eventually just so i could get some damn sleep.
Today i got five hours of sleep. My head doesn’t feel foggy, my eyes are clear, i am not stuck in the bathroom and i am not thirsty.
Sobriety is not easy. Every day is a choice, a battle with your mind. One i have struggled with alone because there’s everything to be ashamed of in being a pisshead, a drunk, a waster. i manage sobriety because i have to. i don’t want to drink myself to death. i want to learn to love myself and i want to find where i belong, with the people i belong to.