where i have been

do you ever feel like you want to hide yourself away from the world?

shut the curtains, put on yr baggiest tshirt

& climb into bed

because you feel too stupid too ugly too at odds with the world.

These were the last words I wrote, before I shut down my laptop and stopped having an interest in life. I had even forgotten the password to my laptop. I have been so depressed this month week year. My bathroom is looking disgusting. August, my birthday month, was shit. I am not looking forward to the autumn or winter because SAD makes its annual appearance. If it is going to be as bad as this depression was then Lord knows what is going to happen to me. I should hibernate until next March.

I regained some motivation for blogging and what happens? My Wi-Fi goes missing. Not that that is new. My Wi-Fi is useless.

I am struggling with the thought I am now 25 and my life is still in pieces. I don’t know what I’m doing. It is like I am trying to get out of this stuck position, but the head and the body are not together on that. It feels like there’s nobody who can help because I’m an adult and should have gotten my life together by now. I do realise my anxiety is also very limiting. I think about how close I am to poverty, death, homelessness. If I don’t figure shit out then I am not going anywhere but down. How do you even start to fix that when depression leaves you feeling dead inside?

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