where i have been

do you ever feel like you want to hide yourself away from the world?

shut the curtains, put on yr baggiest tshirt

& climb into bed

because you feel too stupid too ugly too at odds with the world.

These were the last words I wrote, before I shut down my laptop and stopped having an interest in life. I had even forgotten the password to my laptop. I have been so depressed this month week year. My bathroom is looking disgusting. August, my birthday month, was shit. I am not looking forward to the autumn or winter because SAD makes its annual appearance. If it is going to be as bad as this depression was then Lord knows what is going to happen to me. I should hibernate until next March.

I regained some motivation for blogging and what happens? My Wi-Fi goes missing. Not that that is new. My Wi-Fi is useless.

I am struggling with the thought I am now 25 and my life is still in pieces. I don’t know what I’m doing. It is like I am trying to get out of this stuck position, but the head and the body are not together on that. It feels like there’s nobody who can help because I’m an adult and should have gotten my life together by now. I do realise my anxiety is also very limiting. I think about how close I am to poverty, death, homelessness. If I don’t figure shit out then I am not going anywhere but down. How do you even start to fix that when depression leaves you feeling dead inside?

2019 reflection & 2020 changes 

2019 reflection & 2020 changes 

 

january scrabble
Photo by Plush Design Studio on Pexels.com

I aim to have a more consistent blogging schedule this month (this year … maybe) I stopped reading much of anything in the middle part of 2019, so didn’t have a-lot to share on this blog. I convinced myself no-one would want to read my thoughts or poetry for the most part of 2019. Self-doubt really kicked me into a corner.

I realise now not writing or reading or interacting with this community on social media and being present is a way in which I isolate myself. I stop being in love with the written word and interacting with people. Then my depression and anxiety kick me into a corner too.

That said I did start some therapy in 2019, got outside more, ever so slightly changed the way I think about myself and had a successful trip abroad. 

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