My Patreon is an exclusive blog for subscribers to access my writing. The poems will be unpublished, maybe some drafts and poem projects I’m working on (I might even post some of my stories) Your support will allow me to become financially independent and will boost my confidence that you want to support me in this way! This poem can be read on my Patreon.
Loneliness comes in various guises. Sometimes you want to connect, to talk with somebody. Desperately wanting to know someone is willing to talk with you. Sometimes it’s that ache of needing to be hugged, because it’s been so long. Other times it’s just wanting a laugh and forgetting you live half of your life inside your own head. It’s knowing you don’t have a friend to tag in giveaways on Twitter, won’t need an extra seat, and second guessing every damn decision you make.
I remember feeling the loss when I was rejected by friends as a seven-year-old. Friends that thought I was a little bit strange, intense, overzealous. For me it is ingrained now, loneliness. I find my own solutions, sometimes through poetry, and other times good old Google helps me out.
Does technology make us more or less likely to be lonely? I don’t know.
It is different for everybody. I didn’t grow up with technology the likes we have now. I remember tapes and VHS and floppy discs and the house phone. When I begin to use the internet in my late teens I found community and people that I could engage with. It’s incredibly easy to talk to people online when you aren’t so used to it offline. Which is where I have to say it’s about balance. If life offline is OK then it’s much easier to regulate what you are doing online. You won’t be vulnerable to coming into contact with that disease called scroll and compare.
This is important to me. I am in the process of writing a book, a memoir of my experiences with depression and anxiety, amongst other subjects. I am drawing the material from diary entries, chapbooks, and poems I have written over the years. This poem was published by Selcouth Station in October last year. it is one of two longer mental health poems I have written. Whether I will self-publish this book, or find a publisher for it, or if it will be 50 pages or 500, or if it will take me 23 years or 53 to write I do not know. It is a slow and steady process.
Why Would I Want to Follow the Lives of Famous People?
i used to be baffled by Twitter
why would i want to follow the lives of famous people?
more than likely it was my desire to belong which lead me to sign up
and after that Twitter Facebook Blogger Tumblr WordPress Linkedin Instagram
before all of that a computer was in the front room and that is where it stayed Laptop’s were shared between siblings Nokia’s were used for distraction – games and a BBM was sent via Blackberry i remember when the computer suite was opened in school with much publicity now it’s a given there will be computers in every classroom
i would take long walks as a teenager i was solitary after a school day ended i needed to clear my head
i was out for hours rain or shine
i liked the way my muscles would ache – i felt that I was growing stronger
i have mental health problems
perhaps social media pushed open that door further
i never used to doubt myself so much
the anxiety festering
what am i missing
who am i not comparing myself with
brought in from the outside world to the one with optical illusions
easily led by the wrong influences
i have withered, and wilted
my soul has died a little in blackouts, vodka, and violence
allowed myself to be the puppet
had the imperious curse cast on me
and what i need now is the time and space to clear my head and grow
your concerns were not mine
i didn’t want them
i never did.
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