observation of feelings

the weight of this depression surprises me
it hasn’t felt this heavy in a while
with tears and snot and a headache and insomnia –
an enormous vacuum of pressure

i know i haven’t been taking care of myself,
i never seem to be able to put myself first

i’m confused at how the UK can be in lockdown
and yet so many businesses appear to be preparing to reopen –

i only went to three places pre-virus
and now i haven’t the choice – to go anywhere, to be somewhere
at a given time

i feel powerless –
the structure of my day was up for construction anyway
and now it feels pointless to try –

i don’t know what i’m meant to hold on to –
i feel lonely
and yet i have not entertained those feelings for years –-
i shoved lonely into the back of the wardrobe
and told myself i was fine
i didn’t need anyone

maybe some of these feelings are healthy –
tears are not a sign of shame –
vulnerability is a good thing –


Up and down, like the weather in the UK at the minute, yanno?