Journal Entry on getting organized

Hello. Hope you are ok.

I like to kid on I’m organised. I’m actually not – my Dropbox is a mess, my notes on my phone are filled with ideas I keep telling myself to write on paper, my laptop has duplicated every single file so it’s a trip finding which Word doc. I am working on and my to do list is seemingly even longer by the time I get to Friday than it was on Sunday evening.

I become overwhelmed very quickly and procrastination sets in. My need for perfectionism gets me into a funk as well. When I am feeling depressed, the least I feel like doing is getting organised before I can even get to a project I am working on. It’s like my cleaning mantra, if I stuff everything into a cupboard it’s there, it’s fine, it’s out of sight. When in reality it has made a mountain out of a molehill.

I started using Microsoft’s To Do app a few weeks ago and it’s been a useful tool. As long as I don’t look at how much I need to do and focus on one task, I’m good. How easy is it to not look at all the tasks and flip the fuck out? Not very easy. I have split my tasks into categories of my writing, my freelance writing, my blog, social media posts – and that’s a lot.

My problem is I want it all and I want it now. That is, of course, detrimental to the quality of the work I am producing. I am trying to learn it’s good to brainstorm, plan, edit, and make something the best it can be. There is no rush or timeline. I must remember to enjoy what I am doing and slow the fuck down.

I think as well not being very confident I churn out all sorts, so I can get that kick from producing and feeling I’m doing something. Giving that appearance of being busy. I do think as a once ‘good girl’ my worth is tied into grades – into results and with depression, people always thought it was laziness. That’s what people thought I was. Lazy Kate. I put myself under so much pressure when I was 17/18. It was stressful. As hard as I tried, people still didn’t like what I was doing, or not doing in their eyes. I couldn’t change their perception of me. It made me deny I was depressed. I thought I was lazy. I thought it was my fault. This is me being a lazy bitch and it’s not illness, it’s laziness. That fucked me up for years. It’s amazing on the outside what mental illness ’looks like’ to people. I was a typical teenager – ‘difficult’ ‘insolent’ ‘lazy’ I was fucking depressed. I walked around, feeling like shit and hating everyone, the world, myself. The majority of my classmates and teachers took the mickey. I’m sure it must have been hilarious on the outside looking in. A socially isolated, struggling with puberty, and depression, self-harming young girl who was desperately looking for a connection and understanding. She never got it, so she ended up in a toxic relationship that nearly killed her.

That’s enough for now. Thanks for reading. Let me know how you get organised. Also how are you finding this new editor?

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My experiences with food and drink with depression

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This week’s, no last week’s, meal plan. This was a success. Because I have had depression, it is difficult to reign in eating sandwiches and crisps and it makes making a choice what to have for dinner hard too. With the meals written down, it feels like a commitment and is a closed choice. You know, those are the choices, pick one or the other. It’s flexible, I haven’t eaten all these meals this week. Because there were leftovers to be eaten. I had spag bol for breakfast. It was delicious. I live with my boyfriend. There’s two of us. Our weekly shop usually comes to eighty or ninety pounds.


With this meal plan as well, I have been able to eat vegetables. With depression, you don’t tend to reach first to fill up on vegetables. So I mashed cauliflower into the potatoes and with the pasta sauce I chopped up carrots, celery and onion. I figure if you can chop them up small enough, veggies are adept at hiding in sauces and potatoes. Mash needs some flavour, otherwise it’s like eating clouds or wet paper. Not that I enjoy eating cauliflower, I should have got broccoli. I confuse the two.
My go to meal is baked beans, bacon, eggs and waffles. That can be cooked in fifteen minutes. It doesn’t take too long to eat. It’s filling. Not too painful. Of course, if you – like me have a ton of washing up to do and have no cooking utensils to hand, cereal and yogurt are another one of my go to’s.


When it comes to liquids, I do buy bottles of water. I know it’s terrible for the planet, but it is easier to stay hydrated when depressed when you can grab a bottle from the fridge. I do own a refillable bottle, and obviously with depression the effort required to clean, fill and refrigerate it can be beyond me. I do use it when I can. Alcohol is something I try to not drink when I am depressed. Like I say, I try. I admire those who can have one drink and then stop. I know there are a lot of lockdown drinking memes around. Plenty of people quipping, ‘I’ll have a drinking problem when I get out of lockdown!’ And the truth of it is people may well have become alcohol reliant in current circumstances. That’s the thing with alcohol, it starts as one drink of an evening and then can become two or three into the night. Never mind the damage inflicted on your body in the short term during this lockdown. As I mentioned earlier some people can have one drink, and humour is what people use to cope. Even if it is inappropriate, it is in my eyes – but if you haven’t experienced addiction and alcoholism, then it won’t be. I think alcohol is a poison and is like knocking back paint stripper or similar concoctions that are found in the shed with a large warning sign on the side of them.
In any case, it certainly does not help depression.


I used to be the person like water?! It’s disgusting and naff. No thank you. Now I am advocating people drink water. I have grown.


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April Roundup. Depression, Sun & Progress

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Well, April was a shit month, wasn’t it? Utterly shit. Thanks depression, love you too. But it wasn’t all bad. Here’s a list of Good Stuff that happened.


  • The sun came out. Yes, I actually got to feel the sun on my face.
  • I had one good day where I took a selfie and thought I like how I look. No flaws there. Even the bags under my eyes looked cute. Here is the selfie.  (Yes, my hair usually does its own thing)

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  • I finally purchased a plastic tub to put my shampoos and shower gels in, to store in a cupboard, so they were not laid out on the floor. Yes, I tidied up my shit.
  • Laura Woods took over from Alan Brazil on Talksport’s Sports Breakfast in the mornings on radio (This sentence is so broken, I could have put that better) I’m happy she got the job and it wasn’t given to another man.
  • Bizarrely I was approved for some amazing books on Netgalley. I mean, Amazing. I spent all of April reading. I binged on books. Not sick though.
  • I started to blog again, mainly because I got a Wi-Fi connection. Hoo – bloody – ray. #luxuriesyoucanbarelyafford
  • I also, in April, started holding myself to account when it comes to ticking off the things on my To Do list. I downloaded the Microsoft To Do app and it feels great to be able to tick things off. If I use paper, it doesn’t work. You basically end up collecting bits of paper with the shit on it you meant to have got done in November. Which means it all builds up, I become overwhelmed and then I procrastinate.
  • That brings me onto another point, I deleted some of the apps on my phone that were not serving me. They were distracting me, which is needed sometimes, but you can’t be distracted 24/7 because then you are avoiding life (how long did it take me to learn that? Far too fucking long)
  • I submitted a few poems to Fly on the Wall press’ call for food themed poetry for the next issue of their magazine. I started the year with the aim of submitting m writing again and it started well and then tailed off because of the aforementioned To Do lists. Plus my confidence in myself is so screwed, I get into the mindset of why try and get published when so many people’s writing is far better. Which is rich because when I do read my poetry, I think that’s pretty good Kate, not bad. Then I read some of the reviews on my books, which people have read (and I need to stop saying which) and get a boost from that too. So I need to stop going on a negative bender. I need to tell those negative thoughts to fuck off more often. Not easy when depressed, not easy. We can try. It is May first. The opportunities are endless.

OK. Turns out I was wrong. I had depression, but April was full of progress too.
Let me know in the comments how your April was.

 


April Roundup

observation of feelings

the weight of this depression surprises me
it hasn’t felt this heavy in a while
with tears and snot and a headache and insomnia –
an enormous vacuum of pressure

i know i haven’t been taking care of myself,
i never seem to be able to put myself first

i’m confused at how the UK can be in lockdown
and yet so many businesses appear to be preparing to reopen –

i only went to three places pre-virus
and now i haven’t the choice – to go anywhere, to be somewhere
at a given time

i feel powerless –
the structure of my day was up for construction anyway
and now it feels pointless to try –

i don’t know what i’m meant to hold on to –
i feel lonely
and yet i have not entertained those feelings for years –-
i shoved lonely into the back of the wardrobe
and told myself i was fine
i didn’t need anyone

maybe some of these feelings are healthy –
tears are not a sign of shame –
vulnerability is a good thing –


Up and down, like the weather in the UK at the minute, yanno?

Brain Dump: feeling all of the emotions

hello, hope you are all well.

i’m not going to lie, i am emotionally all over the gaff. i have been feeling so many emotions and it’s all a bit strange. i normally feel nothing on this level and if i’m not careful i can feel my way into complete panic and then i struggle to breathe. i usually have SAD and it lifts around this time of year. instead i’m getting depression 24/7. it feels strange, unexpected. nothing to do with my period. so this feels like something else i need to navigate. of course, i am not underestimating this virus and what that is doing to us all. i think we’re all probably feeling, well, a little bit of everything right now. there’s so much death, and uncertainty. it is one day at a time. if you get through a day, high five. that shit is difficult. i am usually isolated. because of my anxiety my life is restricted in lots of ways and with the threat of ‘rona it feels no-one is carrying on as normal, so that doesn’t feel reassuring that at least the world outside of my flat is going on. because it isn’t.

i think one of the disturbing emotions for me is loneliness. i have been lonely for years. i have no friends. i am used to it. i think i may have been squashing those feelings down. i am now feeling the disconnect from people and that’s making me sad. how on earth do i live such an isolated life, that’s sad. i’m not continuing with counselling at the moment, i can’t afford to. i started counselling sessions last year and i think it has opened Pandora’s box because i just don’t stop thinking about the past and the trauma. now i’m not verbalising that face to face with someone, i think it is having an effect. obviously, it is.

i am still trying though. i have dumped, or parked, the shit that doesn’t matter and i cannot control. i am mainly trying to be productive because that gives my day structure and stay sober because i don’t need to be pouring gasoline on the flames – that will not help and not let my bf drive me up the wall because he is in all sorts of ways and i let other people’s moods infect mine. i need to stop doing that. he’s bored, not my job to entertain him. it isn’t like we don’t own enough books. and how can you get bored with reading? how?

at this point i don’t think anyone is reading my blog, understandably people’s priorities have changed. but i am going to continue blogging as a form of saving my sanity. if you are reading, hi and thank you. especially if you have read this. i want to share a line from a poem i wrote.

because i do feel so much of my growing was done in the dark, in my bedroom, and it didn’t feel like growing. it felt i was wasting time, i didn’t care (you don’t when you’re depressed) and i didn’t feel i was doing anything of any note. i was worrying about the future, the rent, am i ever going to be able to keep a job and have a career (i didn’t care because i was depressed, which gave me a great feeling of hopelessness) i mean, i was surviving. surviving is pretty fucking huge. what is that quote. you have survived a 100% of your bad days so far, you’re doing great.

i’m not going to say and that is why we will survive this current mess we are in. we can at least appreciate that there is hope. even if we’re feeling like utter crap (she says ever so eloquently)

those are my thoughts. thank you for reading. leave a comment if you like.