making plans, book smarts & thoughts.

white cup filled by coffee
Photo by jonas mohamadi on

I was thinking about enrolling on a part time college course in maths and English next year. People say you shouldn’t compare yourself with other people, but … I feel I will never catch up with my peers. I left school at fifteen. I hated the place, I was so depressed suicide was on my mind twenty-four seven, and naturally I got zilch in terms of qualifications. At that time you start thinking about what you want to do for a career, going to uni and writing your CV I wasn’t. Depression was telling me all kinds of shit and I didn’t see I had a future. So now I think uni is gone, I’ll never get to go to uni even if I wanted to and as for a career, lol. I’m not too optimistic I will be hopping from one low paid job to another until I retire at ninety-nine.

Of course, I know I can still achieve my goals, there’s no time limit etc but it’s hard to believe that. Mental illness has fucked up a good solid ten years of my life and I’m not going to get those years, those opportunities back. What do I do from here?

College seems a logical step.

It’s strange because I grew up with my parents and my teachers telling me how smart I was and how well I was doing with my schoolwork. This was down to two things, one I couldn’t get enough of reading books, and two I loved doing my homework. It means I’m a knowledge sponge and can retain a good amount of knowledge. I don’t think this makes me smart though. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by all those adults, telling me a load of crap. Especially as when in secondary school my grades fell off a cliff and suddenly those same people were piling in on me, asking why I wasn’t being ‘good’ and basically doing as I was told. Like any teenager, I was trying to be my own person. I ended up concealing a lot of who I was, wanted to be and that’s why I don’t really know who I am, or who I’m supposed to be performing for anymore. Depression stigma means you get quickly labelled as trouble.

I know this is petty and I was lucky I had a good upbringing in that I didn’t want for anything, but I would trade my books for a life where I’m emotionally in a good place, and living my best life (T) or … would I?
I don’t know. Anyway I want to go to college. I said this last year and I wimped out. I’m terrible at committing to anything because I overthink everything and when I’m getting too close to things I distance myself. But my maths is terrible and I need to do something because




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Birthdays, feelings and SAD.

I turned 24 on the 6th of August. Yes, I am a Leo. 🦁
I don’t really do birthdays. I feel like I should celebrate my birthday, but I never know how. Since way back when people have asked what do you want to do for your birthday? and I’ve been nonplussed, like I don’t know what I want to do … ? It’s similar to when people ask where do you really want to go in the world? and that gets the same reaction. I don’t know … It’s not that I don’t have any imagination. I think it’s a result of the depression I have suffered for years. I couldn’t envision a future for myself. I thought I would be dead by the time I was 20 and yet here I still am. I think it’s also a result of my low self-esteem. Enough people have not taken what I have said, or said I felt, seriously that I just don’t believe in the opinions I have. My catchphrase as a teenager was I don’t know. I could not make decisions for myself and I still struggle with that. I struggle with saying what I really feel because I don’t want to upset people.
Which brings me to what do I feel? Since I started counselling and having to talk about feelings (urgh) I have started to think about what I feel. I don’t know how I feel. It unnerves me. I don’t know how I feel, is that normal? Have I been depressed for so long that I have squashed down all my feelings when I drank and self-harmed in the past that I now have … no feelings? The only feelings I can identify are empty, hungry, and knackered.
I also want to add (a little randomly) how expensive is living!? This month the rent was due, my security and Microsoft subscription needed renewing, COUNCIL TAX and of course, rooting around in the sales for warm weather clothes that will be put away until next year because jumper season will be upon us far too soon. I hate the winter months. I hate them because of SAD. Seasonal affective disorder. I wrote a poem about it which you can read on my Patreon. It’s scary. From the end of September a low mood will descend upon me and I will have no motivation whatsoever until March. As if I’ve been dropped into a vat of doom.
That means I spend a good chunk of my life miserable. I figure I should do something about it this year (well, duh Kate!) I know what’s going on now and I need to find a solution.

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