Sober

man walking on the empty street
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today i wasn’t thirsty. i didn’t have to clutch a cold carton of orange juice, alternating between pressing it to my forehead to sooth a beating headache and drinking from it because i was so damn thirsty. Continue reading “Sober”

Does technology make us more or less likely to be lonely?

 

 

 

Loneliness comes in various guises. Sometimes you want to connect, to talk with somebody. Desperately wanting to know someone is willing to talk with you. Sometimes it’s that ache of needing to be hugged, because it’s been so long. Other times it’s just wanting a laugh and forgetting you live half of your life inside your own head. It’s knowing you don’t have a friend to tag in giveaways on Twitter, won’t need an extra seat, and second guessing every damn decision you make. 

I remember feeling the loss when I was rejected by friends as a seven-year-old. Friends that thought I was a little bit strange, intense, overzealous.
For me it is ingrained now, loneliness. I find my own solutions, sometimes through poetry, and other times good old Google helps me out.

 
Does technology make us more or less likely to be lonely? I don’t know.

 

It is different for everybody. I didn’t grow up with technology the likes we have now. I remember tapes and VHS and floppy discs and the house phone. When I begin to use the internet in my late teens I found community and people that I could engage with. It’s incredibly easy to talk to people online when you aren’t so used to it offline. Which is where I have to say it’s about balance. If life offline is OK then it’s much easier to regulate what you are doing online. You won’t be vulnerable to coming into contact with that disease called scroll and compare.


everything is connected neon light signage
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A few of the things that fuck up my social anxiety & how i deal with them.

photography of person peeking
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Social anxiety can leave you housebound, bored, frustrated and late paying bills.

LIST

A few of the things that fuck up my anxiety.

First of all, ill fitting clothes. Anxiety makes me feel like everyone is watching me. If I’m panicky and panting like a thirsty pony then I feel everyone is avoiding coming anywhere near me. Like crossing the street level avoidance. Anxiety also messes with my body temperature, so I could go out in a t-shirt in November and I would feel warm. Comfort is key. I personally would go out in my slobbing around the flat clothes if I didn’t want to, you know, keep up appearances.
Roads. Traffic lights. Buses. I live in a town that is dominated by roads, unfortunately. The traffic lights make me nervous. So nervous. Cars make me equally as nervous. Especially as drivers don’t seem to have any consideration for the people crossing the road and pay no attention to the stop signal. It would make anybody nervous! Funnily enough I love trains, and airports. Probably because there is a bit more pause time.
Noise. I’m an extremely sensitive person. Noise unnerves me to the point where I want to melt away and disappear. Why is the world so noisy!? Shut up, people. Civil tongues, stop yelling. Honestly, I avoid going out at three when the kids come out of school because there’s nothing worse than a bunch of kids mucking around on their bicycles and screaming at each other.
People. Oh, people. I love people. Certain people. The world is made up of billions of people. But people on paths, having to get past them, passing them, small talk with the ones that have adorable children that have run into me, or cute dogs that sniff my shoes, leaping out of the way of people on skateboards, people with their shopping. People. I cannot control people. The unknown of what these people might do scares me. Like, the possibilities are unknown. And … also outlandish and unlikely to happen.

THAT MIDDLE BIT

Basically then, if there were no roads, traffic lights, buses, noise, or people I would be living in paradise. Do you know of such a place?
As you can imagine the very thought of leaving the flat can make me have second thoughts. So I tend to go out before I start thinking. Shower, eat, bag packed the night before, outfit picked out the night before, get my shoes on and go. Acclimatise as I go. Mindfulness can help too. Think of something as it is and how good it would feel to get it over and done with. Nobody wants that Monday to do list to stretch to Friday because your TO DO LIST WILL BE LONG AND UNMANAGABLE.
Last year I spent an enormous amount of time indoors but have taken those experiences and developed an iron will. I am determined to spend more time out of the flat (not entirely convinced why. After all in here I have ice cream, books, and my sofa)

CASE STUDY

I have recently developed a habit of washing EVERY DAY. Some days I could barely get out of bed and if I did I would get back into it fairly quickly, let alone wash. But after many months I have a habit that makes it impossible for me to not wash. I have to wash. This blows my mind, but it’s true. I have observed the making of a positive habit. It’s very different to breaking a negative habit, but ho hey. If I can make a habit of going out every day I would say my quality of life would have improved.

CONCLUSION

I say this not to brag, but to give assurance and hope. Things can change. Things can change without you noticing. Sneaky. To be honest, if you have a lot going on you aren’t going to notice you’ll just think everything is shit everything is going to shit everything is always going to be shit I’m shit why is everything so shit shit shit shit. therefore, you don’t immediately notice the small shifts that things are improving.
What are your thoughts?
Do you have any methods to manage anxiety?


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mum doesn’t think depression exists “it’s a state of mind, of attitude”

I have had a poem titled mum doesn’t think depression exists
“it’s a state of mind, of attitude” in the latest issue of Ghost City Press review. It’s a poem from the point of view of somebody who suffers from depression and takes in symptoms, stigma, and when it lifts temporarily. Here is the link

the hollowed emptiness
feels as if it is something
you walk around with
solely
tasked with trying to fill it

I also set up a Patreon account and you can become a patron for $2 and receive Patron only access to my new poems, edited poems, draft poems and poems from works in progress. The link for that is here

Third bit of news is I have mastered the art of cooking an omelette.

They aren’t visual masterpieces, but they do taste like an omelette. I have never been a cook, I used to hate cooking, but you can’t live on junk food and live to a grand old age, can you? Or be happy either. No-one really likes leftover noodles for breakfast, do they?

A poem. A-Level Results. ‘You can only be angry for so long before you become,’

A-Level Results

published Anti-Heroin Chic

chairs classroom college desks
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whether it is on Facebook
in the national or local newspaper
children, well, teenagers
are pictured leaping for joy
as they have received their A-Level results
to be able to get into their first choice university
and i remember –
have many regrets
i am twenty-two
struggling with the basics
it is difficult not to believe
that i am an unemployed loser
with a minimal education

cut short by ill mental health
that was never
diagnosed
in school

i hated life was mapped-
school, college, university
for everybody but me
because even then
i didn’t think my life
was going to go as planned

it is hard not to be bitter

but we all have choices
at some point
you have to make them

and quit blaming
perpetrators and circumstances

you can only be angry for so long
before you become the person
at the end of the bar
bitter, drunk
crunching on pork scratchings
and scowling at the people that dare
laugh, or raise their voice
near you

decide
from now
on in

my life is mine to be controlled.

K.L

 


Want more poetry? Try Here comes the Sun

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