whether it is on Facebook in the national or local newspaper children, well, teenagers are pictured leaping for joy as they have received their A-Level results to be able to get into their first choice university and i remember – have many regrets i am twenty-two struggling with the basics it is difficult not to believe that i am an unemployed loser with a minimal education
cut short by ill mental health that was never diagnosed in school
i hated life was mapped- school, college, university for everybody but me because even then i didn’t think my life was going to go as planned
it is hard not to be bitter
but we all have choices at some point you have to make them
and quit blaming perpetrators and circumstances
you can only be angry for so long before you become the person at the end of the bar bitter, drunk crunching on pork scratchings and scowling at the people that dare laugh, or raise their voice near you
people around her cycle like a cyclone dancers creating the aura of a lead you think wow blimey i imagine she is popular but i am not sure her eyes shine too brightly and her smile is too stretched like get out of my way you crazy idiots! i want to be me
You can call me all you like, but I would rather converse through email
STOP CALLING ME STOP ASKING ME TO CALL YOU CAN WE NOT CONVERSE THROUGH EMAIL? I’M SORRY SORRY FOR UNDERSTANDING THIS ONLY WORKS ONE WAY I HAVE A PHONE CALL PHOBIA, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION I CANNOT ANSWER YOUR CALL AND I CANNOT FEEL ANYMORE LIKE A FAILURE FOR THAT I KNOW I’M A LOSER WITH MY TEETH FALLING OUT AND MY HEALTH FAILING BECAUSE I CANNOT MAKE A PHONE CALL TO THE DENTIST OR DOCTOR’S I AM WELL AWARE OF MY OWN USELESSNESS THAT I CANNOT EVEN GRIT MY TEETH AND MAKE A PHONE CALL – THE FIRST STEP FORWARD ALL THOSE OPPORTUNITIES MISSED –
I shared my poem Why Would I Want to Follow the Lives of Famous People? with you and the response was good, so here is another poem from the yet to be finished or yet to be titled writing project I am working on. A memoir based on my health experiences with depression and anxiety.
I have been with my problems for so long. They are in bags and suitcases at my feet. I have opened each, sighed, and teared up at the memories which come from within. Dithering, I’m not sure which options to take. I wish someone could take the choice away from me. What’s going to set me on the path. To happy, to being fulfilled, to having a sense of belonging, my voice heard. What do I need to do. I’m not sure. Which leads to … doing nothing.
NOTES I shared my poem Why Would I Want to Follow the Lives of Famous People? with you and the response was good, so here is another poem from the yet to be finished or yet to be titled writing project I am working on. A memoir based on my health experiences with depression and anxiety.
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So unhappy with yourself // you spend your time picking at me with your mouth // sighs that indicate to me // you are dissatisfied // with the clothes i wear // the noise i make in stacking baking tins // the objects i keep // sentimental value you do not appreciate //
even with all my sensitivities //
i know this is not my fault //
i feel caged in your criticism // but i am not wearing short skirts and lipstick for you // or asking for your approval anymore // i am doing them for me //
I shared my poem Why Would I Want to Follow the Lives of Famous People? with you on this blog last week and the response was good, so here is another poem from the yet to be finished, or yet to be titled, writing project I am working on. A memoir based on my health experiences with depression and anxiety.