Brain Dump: feeling all of the emotions

hello, hope you are all well.

i’m not going to lie, i am emotionally all over the gaff. i have been feeling so many emotions and it’s all a bit strange. i normally feel nothing on this level and if i’m not careful i can feel my way into complete panic and then i struggle to breathe. i usually have SAD and it lifts around this time of year. instead i’m getting depression 24/7. it feels strange, unexpected. nothing to do with my period. so this feels like something else i need to navigate. of course, i am not underestimating this virus and what that is doing to us all. i think we’re all probably feeling, well, a little bit of everything right now. there’s so much death, and uncertainty. it is one day at a time. if you get through a day, high five. that shit is difficult. i am usually isolated. because of my anxiety my life is restricted in lots of ways and with the threat of ‘rona it feels no-one is carrying on as normal, so that doesn’t feel reassuring that at least the world outside of my flat is going on. because it isn’t.

i think one of the disturbing emotions for me is loneliness. i have been lonely for years. i have no friends. i am used to it. i think i may have been squashing those feelings down. i am now feeling the disconnect from people and that’s making me sad. how on earth do i live such an isolated life, that’s sad. i’m not continuing with counselling at the moment, i can’t afford to. i started counselling sessions last year and i think it has opened Pandora’s box because i just don’t stop thinking about the past and the trauma. now i’m not verbalising that face to face with someone, i think it is having an effect. obviously, it is.

i am still trying though. i have dumped, or parked, the shit that doesn’t matter and i cannot control. i am mainly trying to be productive because that gives my day structure and stay sober because i don’t need to be pouring gasoline on the flames – that will not help and not let my bf drive me up the wall because he is in all sorts of ways and i let other people’s moods infect mine. i need to stop doing that. he’s bored, not my job to entertain him. it isn’t like we don’t own enough books. and how can you get bored with reading? how?

at this point i don’t think anyone is reading my blog, understandably people’s priorities have changed. but i am going to continue blogging as a form of saving my sanity. if you are reading, hi and thank you. especially if you have read this. i want to share a line from a poem i wrote.

because i do feel so much of my growing was done in the dark, in my bedroom, and it didn’t feel like growing. it felt i was wasting time, i didn’t care (you don’t when you’re depressed) and i didn’t feel i was doing anything of any note. i was worrying about the future, the rent, am i ever going to be able to keep a job and have a career (i didn’t care because i was depressed, which gave me a great feeling of hopelessness) i mean, i was surviving. surviving is pretty fucking huge. what is that quote. you have survived a 100% of your bad days so far, you’re doing great.

i’m not going to say and that is why we will survive this current mess we are in. we can at least appreciate that there is hope. even if we’re feeling like utter crap (she says ever so eloquently)

those are my thoughts. thank you for reading. leave a comment if you like.


Making changes


made a banging Shepherd’s pie the other day. i was thinking how a year & a bit ago i wouldn’t have gone near the kitchen. my bf would make dinner or it would be sandwiches or a takeaway (i used to eat way too much fried chicken) bk then i was struggling to have the confidence to make scrambled eggs. what’s changed other than my realising i needed to make changes to be health -ier & making the effort, even when i wanted to run for the hills, far far away from the kitchen. the kitchen where i was probably making too many mistakes & getting measurements wrong & thinking this is going to taste like crap & why do i bother & this is stupid. then i started looking at recipes & thinking maybe, maybe. then it was omlettes. i love eating omlettes when i’m in Portugal & bk home even my bf was stumped at how you make them. my early omlettes was fucking awful. i mean how you can fuck up cooking a few eggs, who knows. eggs do their own thing anyway, most of the time. now i’m cooking things that have more than two ingredients to keep an eye on & have less basic instructions to ’em. i don’t know what im meant to deduce from this, apart from –


✴️ habits are hard to start & require patience at first ✴️ you don’t have to believe in yourself  to start, you need the desire & whatnot ✴️ my anxiety tells me a lot of bs ✴️ some activities like cooking are what they are & you can be in the present moment & not be looking too far ahead  or too far bk ✴️ fucking up can be fun, it isn’t the end of the world ✴️ if you want to do something, do it & don’t be looking for someone else’s approval


written by Kate @k_lpoetry


p.s if you’re looking for a new read, 12  micro-poems in Pocket Poems from my Payhip store

what’s going on underneath it all

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This poem can be read on my Patreon.


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i lost all confidence in myself –
i could not do a thing
without worry, over fear and anxiety
that i had gotten it so wrong
it was irretrievable –

so many false starts, times where
i had to give up, be satisfied with –
at least i tried –

breaking habits, moving on from comfortable spaces
is so fucking hard,
fight with head and heart,

knowing you wanna,
but you cant,