Brain Dump: feeling all of the emotions

hello, hope you are all well.

i’m not going to lie, i am emotionally all over the gaff. i have been feeling so many emotions and it’s all a bit strange. i normally feel nothing on this level and if i’m not careful i can feel my way into complete panic and then i struggle to breathe. i usually have SAD and it lifts around this time of year. instead i’m getting depression 24/7. it feels strange, unexpected. nothing to do with my period. so this feels like something else i need to navigate. of course, i am not underestimating this virus and what that is doing to us all. i think we’re all probably feeling, well, a little bit of everything right now. there’s so much death, and uncertainty. it is one day at a time. if you get through a day, high five. that shit is difficult. i am usually isolated. because of my anxiety my life is restricted in lots of ways and with the threat of ‘rona it feels no-one is carrying on as normal, so that doesn’t feel reassuring that at least the world outside of my flat is going on. because it isn’t.

i think one of the disturbing emotions for me is loneliness. i have been lonely for years. i have no friends. i am used to it. i think i may have been squashing those feelings down. i am now feeling the disconnect from people and that’s making me sad. how on earth do i live such an isolated life, that’s sad. i’m not continuing with counselling at the moment, i can’t afford to. i started counselling sessions last year and i think it has opened Pandora’s box because i just don’t stop thinking about the past and the trauma. now i’m not verbalising that face to face with someone, i think it is having an effect. obviously, it is.

i am still trying though. i have dumped, or parked, the shit that doesn’t matter and i cannot control. i am mainly trying to be productive because that gives my day structure and stay sober because i don’t need to be pouring gasoline on the flames – that will not help and not let my bf drive me up the wall because he is in all sorts of ways and i let other people’s moods infect mine. i need to stop doing that. he’s bored, not my job to entertain him. it isn’t like we don’t own enough books. and how can you get bored with reading? how?

at this point i don’t think anyone is reading my blog, understandably people’s priorities have changed. but i am going to continue blogging as a form of saving my sanity. if you are reading, hi and thank you. especially if you have read this. i want to share a line from a poem i wrote.

because i do feel so much of my growing was done in the dark, in my bedroom, and it didn’t feel like growing. it felt i was wasting time, i didn’t care (you don’t when you’re depressed) and i didn’t feel i was doing anything of any note. i was worrying about the future, the rent, am i ever going to be able to keep a job and have a career (i didn’t care because i was depressed, which gave me a great feeling of hopelessness) i mean, i was surviving. surviving is pretty fucking huge. what is that quote. you have survived a 100% of your bad days so far, you’re doing great.

i’m not going to say and that is why we will survive this current mess we are in. we can at least appreciate that there is hope. even if we’re feeling like utter crap (she says ever so eloquently)

those are my thoughts. thank you for reading. leave a comment if you like.

Birthdays, feelings and SAD.

I turned 24 on the 6th of August. Yes, I am a Leo. 🦁
I don’t really do birthdays. I feel like I should celebrate my birthday, but I never know how. Since way back when people have asked what do you want to do for your birthday? and I’ve been nonplussed, like I don’t know what I want to do … ? It’s similar to when people ask where do you really want to go in the world? and that gets the same reaction. I don’t know … It’s not that I don’t have any imagination. I think it’s a result of the depression I have suffered for years. I couldn’t envision a future for myself. I thought I would be dead by the time I was 20 and yet here I still am. I think it’s also a result of my low self-esteem. Enough people have not taken what I have said, or said I felt, seriously that I just don’t believe in the opinions I have. My catchphrase as a teenager was I don’t know. I could not make decisions for myself and I still struggle with that. I struggle with saying what I really feel because I don’t want to upset people.
Which brings me to what do I feel? Since I started counselling and having to talk about feelings (urgh) I have started to think about what I feel. I don’t know how I feel. It unnerves me. I don’t know how I feel, is that normal? Have I been depressed for so long that I have squashed down all my feelings when I drank and self-harmed in the past that I now have … no feelings? The only feelings I can identify are empty, hungry, and knackered.
I also want to add (a little randomly) how expensive is living!? This month the rent was due, my security and Microsoft subscription needed renewing, COUNCIL TAX and of course, rooting around in the sales for warm weather clothes that will be put away until next year because jumper season will be upon us far too soon. I hate the winter months. I hate them because of SAD. Seasonal affective disorder. I wrote a poem about it which you can read on my Patreon. It’s scary. From the end of September a low mood will descend upon me and I will have no motivation whatsoever until March. As if I’ve been dropped into a vat of doom.
That means I spend a good chunk of my life miserable. I figure I should do something about it this year (well, duh Kate!) I know what’s going on now and I need to find a solution.

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