sat on the edge of the bathtub my feet, wet, in the rivers of the flowing cold water over my toes as i dab in-between the tiles on the wall with a damp cloth occasionally sprizting it with a black mould remover catching the trail before it slides down, and soon the smell of a swimming pool invades my nostrils i gag
Thanks for reading. If you want to read more of my poetry, please head over to my Patreon
first you must have an idea, however small – ideas are like dough – they rise higher than you ever thought they would
then some courage is needed to put the idea into words on a page
when they are words on a page, they must be edited – not to perfection – the odd typo – let’s make it a puzzle to see if anyone who visits will notice – (i certainly didn’t)
when cutting and pasting *remember* to keep formatting as it is – and schedule it for next Friday and not accidently backdate it to last Friday (which i certainly didn’t do and never have)
Google popular tags and times of day best to post – i still do this after 5 years – you would think i would learn – open Twitter & check hashtags other bloggers are using – become distracted –
reading their blogs and your TBR list has gained several new books – oops, just like that
if it is a book review blog – do include if the book was an ARC – i promise my unbiased opinion –
make sure the post has images and in preview – check the paragraphs haven’t bunched together –
is the blog connected to social networks – post automatically –
have i titled the post – no no – think for ten minutes on something that will entice the reader – draw them in – realise laptop is 2 per cent away from running out of battery – save blog schedule to post and breathe.
thank you for reading this spontaneous poem. if you want to read other poems, i posted one here a few days ago and another here last week. You could also become a subscriber of my Patreon and find lots of my poems on there.
This week’s, no last week’s, meal plan. This was a success. Because I have had depression, it is difficult to reign in eating sandwiches and crisps and it makes making a choice what to have for dinner hard too. With the meals written down, it feels like a commitment and is a closed choice. You know, those are the choices, pick one or the other. It’s flexible, I haven’t eaten all these meals this week. Because there were leftovers to be eaten. I had spag bol for breakfast. It was delicious. I live with my boyfriend. There’s two of us. Our weekly shop usually comes to eighty or ninety pounds.
With this meal plan as well, I have been able to eat vegetables. With depression, you don’t tend to reach first to fill up on vegetables. So I mashed cauliflower into the potatoes and with the pasta sauce I chopped up carrots, celery and onion. I figure if you can chop them up small enough, veggies are adept at hiding in sauces and potatoes. Mash needs some flavour, otherwise it’s like eating clouds or wet paper. Not that I enjoy eating cauliflower, I should have got broccoli. I confuse the two. My go to meal is baked beans, bacon, eggs and waffles. That can be cooked in fifteen minutes. It doesn’t take too long to eat. It’s filling. Not too painful. Of course, if you – like me have a ton of washing up to do and have no cooking utensils to hand, cereal and yogurt are another one of my go to’s.
When it comes to liquids, I do buy bottles of water. I know it’s terrible for the planet, but it is easier to stay hydrated when depressed when you can grab a bottle from the fridge. I do own a refillable bottle, and obviously with depression the effort required to clean, fill and refrigerate it can be beyond me. I do use it when I can. Alcohol is something I try to not drink when I am depressed. Like I say, I try. I admire those who can have one drink and then stop. I know there are a lot of lockdown drinking memes around. Plenty of people quipping, ‘I’ll have a drinking problem when I get out of lockdown!’ And the truth of it is people may well have become alcohol reliant in current circumstances. That’s the thing with alcohol, it starts as one drink of an evening and then can become two or three into the night. Never mind the damage inflicted on your body in the short term during this lockdown. As I mentioned earlier some people can have one drink, and humour is what people use to cope. Even if it is inappropriate, it is in my eyes – but if you haven’t experienced addiction and alcoholism, then it won’t be. I think alcohol is a poison and is like knocking back paint stripper or similar concoctions that are found in the shed with a large warning sign on the side of them. In any case, it certainly does not help depression.
I used to be the person like water?! It’s disgusting and naff. No thank you. Now I am advocating people drink water. I have grown.
the weight of this depression surprises me it hasn’t felt this heavy in a while with tears and snot and a headache and insomnia – an enormous vacuum of pressure
i know i haven’t been taking care of myself, i never seem to be able to put myself first
i’m confused at how the UK can be in lockdown and yet so many businesses appear to be preparing to reopen –
i only went to three places pre-virus and now i haven’t the choice – to go anywhere, to be somewhere at a given time
i feel powerless – the structure of my day was up for construction anyway and now it feels pointless to try –
i don’t know what i’m meant to hold on to – i feel lonely and yet i have not entertained those feelings for years –- i shoved lonely into the back of the wardrobe and told myself i was fine i didn’t need anyone
maybe some of these feelings are healthy – tears are not a sign of shame – vulnerability is a good thing –
Up and down, like the weather in the UK at the minute, yanno?